


hoe my god

by echoinspxce



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gc Fic, HS AU, Inside jokes, Lance has chronic migraine, M/M, Memes, Multi, Nicknames, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pining, Polyamory, Probably some drugs, Sleepovers, Swim Team, The Texting Chronicles by Katie Holt, The Waterfire Saga, bc she good, crackfic, drift compatible, i need to stop, im so tired, its rly just a comedy story, klance listens to lauren aquilina ok, like me haha, like ships will develop but they arent the main focus?, merging friend groups, nonbinary rover, rover and beezer are human, there isnt rly a main relationship, way too many references, with plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-10 10:44:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15289806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echoinspxce/pseuds/echoinspxce
Summary: Pidge and Hunk decide to create a big group chat with all of their friends, and, it's a hot mess of love and memes.





	1. This Was A Mistake And Also The Best Thing In The World

**Author's Note:**

> YES ANOTHER FUCKING GC AU BECAUSE I CAN
> 
> DONT JUDGE ME I HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS

**Katie Holt - > Hunk Garrett**

**Katie Holt renamed chat Conspirators Gone Wild**

**Katie Holt renamed Katie Holt to pidge**

 

pidge: im bored lets make a gc

 

Hunk: pid ge im in zarkons class and he is so s t r i c t w/ phones plz don get me in trouble

 

pidge: get good then

pidge: anywhom

 

Hunk: whom?

 

pidge: a n y w h o m

pidge: u have friends, i have friends, we have some mutuals, time to SQUISH

 

Hunk: WEVE WAITED SO LONG FOR THE SQUISHING TO COMMENCE

 

pidge: ARE U W ME

 

Hunk: OH YELL HEAH

 

pidge: yell heah?

 

Hunk: did i mcfreaking stutter

 

pidge: guess not

 

Hunk: we doin this yo

Hunk: also the chat name is Incorrect

**Hunk renamed chat Dominic Monaghan’s Wild Things**

 

pidge: thats fair

pidge: i miss that show

 

Hunk: same

**Hunk Garrett - > Lance McClain**

 

Hunk: pidge and i r makin a gc w a l l of our friends just warnin ya

 

Lance: who is pi adding

 

Hunk: dk for sure but id assume ro, matt, by extension shiro, beezer, keith, that crew

 

Lance: well shit

Lance: can u tell her not 2 add keith plz

 

Hunk: shes not gonna leave out her best friend from practical birth dude wth

Hunk: i dont get y u even hate him like, hes actually s uper kind if ur not annoying tf out of him

 

Lance: t h a t s e x a c t l y i t

Lance: i dont hate him

Lance: i l i k e him

 

Hunk: oh?

Hunk: o h

Hunk: O H

Hunk: wweellll

Hunk: gather whatever of your fragile masculinity u have and suck it up bc keiths gonna b in the chat whatver u say

 

Lance: fuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk

**pidge - > Untitled Chat**

**pidge renamed chat The Actual Decent People In This Hell School**

 

**Hunk added Lance McClain, Shay Balmera, Allura Altea, Keith Kogane, Takashi Shirogane, Matthew Holt, Rover Olkariona, Bree Zorlar, Plaxum Auquelia, Florona Baku**

 

**Takashi Shirogane renamed Takashi Shirogane Shiro**

 

**Matthew Holt renamed Matthew Holt Matt**

 

**Plaxum Auquelia renamed Plaxum Auquelia Plaxy**

 

**Bree Zorlar renamed Bree Zorlar Beezer**

 

Shiro: dear god why

 

pidge: b glad i waited to make this until after school

 

Plaxy: hoe my god

Plaxy: im p sure there are some of yall that i dont kno

 

Rover: welp, im ro, my name is actually rowan but bee dared me to tell everyone my name was rover

 

Beezer: im “bee”, aka beezer, i dont even know where that name came from, my actu name is Bree

 

pidge: it was when u got ur wisdom teeth pulled and were so high u just quoted princess bride all day and called urself beezer

 

Rover: that was a great day, i am s o glad i was the 1 to drive u home

 

Beezer: fuck u all

 

Keith: Im already terrified of this

Keith: and its not because of The Texting Chronicles

 

pidge: its exactly bc of The Texting Chronicles

 

Keith: Its Exactly Because Of The Texting Chronicles

 

Shiro: oh geez

 

Florona: elaborate, please, im already v v v invested in this

 

Matt: the 4 of us found a horror story pidge wrote when she was in a virtual hs class about horror as a genre, and it was Terrifying. it was about a girl named jenelle and her house was haunted and its all told by texts to her friend sadie

 

Shiro: keith and matt had nightmares ;)

 

Keith: shiro i have a knife collection, under my pillow rn. why dont u come in here for a sec?

 

Allura: okay, no,

 

Hunk: okay, no,

 

Shay: okay, no,

 

Hunk: :0

 

Lance: goals

 

Shay: drift

 

Allura: drift

 

Hunk: drift

 

Plaxy: holy shit

Plaxy: hunayllura is actually a hive mind guys

 

Shay: they figured out the agenda, we gotta kill em all

 

Hunk: ...hunayllura?

 

Lance: ‘s a ship name, my guy

 

Florona: yeah, get good

 

Hunk: HOW MANY TIMES IS THAT GOING TO BE SAID TO ME TODAY

 

pidge: as many times as it takes

 

Allura: the fuck do u 3 do on those mermaid sleepovers yall have

 

Lance: swim in mermaid tails, read the waterfire saga, and ship people

 

Matt: Valid

 

Allura: so /thats/ why im never invited

 

Lance: llura i love u but we gotta ship u

 

Matt: gonna go yeet myself into the sun bc i have a fucking headache

 

Shiro: shouldnt u be studying, not yeeting

 

Matt: u and i are seniors and its almost the end of the year, let me fucking live

 

Lance: try livin w chronic migraine, wimp

 

Shay: oh lance bb im sorry

 

Allura: i love this

 

Shiro: i hate this bc both my brother and boyfriend want to murder me

Shiro: mAYBE I SHOULD THINK BEFORE I TALK

 

Keith: do u get emotional and words come out all wrong?

 

Lance: okay astrid s,

 

Keith: okay icona pop,

 

Lance: listen here, lauren aquilina

 

Keith: listen here, lauren aquilina

 

Lance: :0

 

Keith: … truce?

 

Lance: truce

 

Florona: im w allura, I Love This

 

Allura: drift

 

Florona: drift

Florona: mermaid duo #1 is so powerful

 

Lance: im Offended

 

Allura: shh u have duo #2 w plaxy

 

Plaxy: ye and im the greatest good ur ever gonna get

 

Lance: That Is So Fair Its Impossible

 

Keith: what the everloving fuck goes on on ur guys’ swim team holy shit

 

Lance: …

 

Allura: hoe dont do it

 

Lance: …………….

 

Plaxy: /dont u dare/

 

Lance: o- ope-

 

Florona: zip it

 

Lance: OPEN YOUR EYES

 

Allura: i hate and love you right now


	2. Lance just backflipped off his roof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is very hot, allura is locked in a freezer, hunayllura is soft, matt is a little shit, and lance is fucking insane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so, so sorry

**Matt - > The Actual Decent People In This Hell School**

**Matt renamed chat We Be Melting™**

 

Matt: does anyone know where my sister is

 

Keith: she, ro, and i are currently lying on my kitchen floor bc its cold and today is Heaty and we’re too cool for that

 

Beezer: while im binging queer eye on the tv bc im used to heat i used to live in Phoenix

 

Shay: same except hunk and i are watchin nailed it, we already finished season 2 of qe

Shay: and allura is in the freezer in a camisol and booty shorts

 

Shiro: how…?

 

Allura: reminder that hunk lives above The Garrett Mothers’ bakery

Allura: I AM FROM ENGLAND I DONT DESERVE THIS

 

Plaxy: i am here to confirm that both flo and i are down to our sportsbras and we’re prob gonna swim

 

Matt: is lance just fuckin dead

 

Florona: i can see him from plax’s on his roof shirtless, ronnie is up there w him so he wont fall and die

 

pidge: i always forget plax lives across the street from lance

 

Hunk: veronica scares me sometimes, shes so tiny but is about as strong as shiro

 

Lance: i mean i was a discus and shotput player in hs -ronnie

 

Hunk: tru that

 

Allura: Ronnie! How is your first year of college going?

 

Lance: Good! My roommate is chill. I’m so glad im back for a few weeks, it’s s o hot down there and the air conditioning broke in the art wing

 

Florona: oof bb im sorry

 

Lance: im hangin in there. ok gotta go, mom needs me for stuff

Lance: AND EVERYONE’S FAVORITE MCCLAIN HAS RETURNED

 

Plaxy: Marco?

 

Hunk: Mama McClain?

 

Allura: but Ver just left

 

pidge: Luis? keith and i need our Expedition Unknown buddy

 

Lance: i hate all of you so much

 

Florona: u love me

 

Lance: I Love You, but ur gf is a bitch

 

Florona: yep

 

Plaxy: EXCUSE ME

 

Lance: Flo is the only mermaid i care about

 

Hunk: arent u a mermaid?

 

Lance: Flo Is The Only Mermaid I Care About

 

Keith: WHAT THE FUCK

 

pidge: MATT UR FUCKIN DEAD I SWEAR TO GOD

 

Matt: no u dont

 

Rover: U FUCKED UP MY BLUETOOTH EARBUDS MATT I WAS LISTENING TO WALK THE MOON U INTERRUPTED ALL I WANT BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE

 

Beezer: haha

 

Keith: Breeana Gwen Zorlar i will sit on u in all my soaked glory

 

Beezer: im good

 

Lance: do i want to know what happened or

 

pidge: THAT MOTHERFUCKER CLIMBED IN THROUGH KEITHS WINDOW AND DUMPED ICE WATER ON US

pidge: IM COOLED DOWN NOW BUT FUCK U

 

Shiro: matt i s2g u better clean that up

 

Matt: yes daddy

 

Shiro: im

 

pidge: im so uncomfortable

 

Keith: same

 

Shiro: can i join the murder matt squad

 

Shay: WHY ARE WE ALWAYS MURDERING PEOPLE WHY CANT WE JUST BE NICE INNOCENT HIGHSCHOOLERS AND HAVE TEA AND CHAT ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL

 

Allura: shay ill hit u up on that tea babe

Allura: fuck nvm i dont want to get hotter

 

Shay: that would b impossible bc ur gorgeous

 

Hunk: rt

 

Florona: plax just yelled “vocal retweet” and canon balled into the pool and i cried also rt

 

Lance: rt

 

Rover: rt

 

Beezer: rt

 

pidge: rt

 

Shiro: rt

 

Matt: rt

 

Keith: … rt

 

Allura: wrfnk aebiughojlknjdbguieqhojafwlsknbiefhnomlqkfadihjlkeiu98789

 

Shay: we broke her

 

Plaxy: lance u motherfucker i just watched u drop ur phone onto ur trampoline from ur roof and jump into ur pool what the fuck

 

Keith: holy shit

 

Plaxy: u bet he did a backflip

 

pidge: dear fucking god

 

Florona: u idiot come over and swim w ussssssss

 

Plaxy: POOL PARTY AT MINE

 

Allura: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

 

Shay: the beautiful goddess speaks

 

Allura: roqebwiffah9jponuiokjhjnbftgfdrfd stop ur a beautiful goddess too

 

Shay: never, and thank you, i try <3

 

Hunk: I Love My Girlfriends

 

Allura: We Love You Too

 

Shay: We Love You Too

 

Shay: drift

 

Allura: drift

 

Lance: soft

Lance: also catch my shirtless self sprinting across the REALLY FUCKING HOT road

 

pidge: keith ro bee and i are coming

 

Keith: i didnt agree to this

 

pidge: i will fix ur shitty wifi

 

Keith: i agree to this

 

Shiro: once matt cleans up the mess he made in the kitchen im strapping him to the top of my car and driving over

 

pidge: ull send pics right

 

Shiro: of course, what do u take me for

 

Shay: allura just sprinted out the door in the general direction of ur house, plaxum

Shay: Hunk and i are on our way

 

Rover: I Am So Glad It Is A Saturday

 

pidge: rt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Love Queer Eye


	3. fuck ya tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never Let Them Have A Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware of the recent developments in Voltron that affects Shatt, but I am honestly too lazy to write it out, so I guess from now on there just won't be any more Shatt featured in future chapters of hoe my god. Please bear with me. If I get the motivation to write it out of previous chapters, I'll let you guys know.

**Allura - > We Be Melting™**

**Allura Altea renamed Allura Altea Neela**

 

**Lance McClain renamed Lance McClain Yaz**

 

Yaz: we had a Conversation

 

Neela: we realized we’re the matali sibs

 

Florona: whos sera and mahdi

 

Yaz: ur serafina and plaxy is mahdi

 

Plaxy: i mean, im fine w this

 

**Florona Baku renamed Florona Baku Serafina de** **Merovíngia**

**Serafina de Merovíngia renamed Plaxy Mahdi de Matali**

 

Mahdi: im

Mahdi: im fine w this new development

 

Keith: i am So Confused

 

pidge: so was Jenelle… 

 

Keith: pidge i stfg i will cut u

 

pidge: i dont doubt it knifelord

pidge: ur mothman but w knives

 

Keith: Knifeman

 

pidge: exactly

 

Shiro: guys we’re literally all in plax’s house wtf its 6 in the morning

Shiro: also i r l y hope my brother isnt half knife

 

Neela: we’re having tea come join us motherfucker

 

pidge: fuck ya tea

 

Yaz: leave this fucking house

Yaz: plax can we kick her out

 

Mahdi: yep

 

pidge: well i guess ill make like lance and yeet myself off the fckuing roof

pidge: but away from the direction of the pool

 

Matt: okay, no,

 

Shiro: OKAY, NO,

Shiro: allura please stop this

 

Neela: okay but she insulted tea.

 

Rover: understandable reason have a good day

 

Keith: this is y ro is my favorite

 

Beezer: im hurt

 

Keith: u mocked us when Matt soaked us

 

Beezer: touche

 

Yaz: im Also Hurt

 

**Hunk - > Lance**

 

Hunk: i wonder why

 

Lance: i will throw your mixer in the fucking lake

 

**Hunk - > We Be Melting™**

Hunk: ily guys but can u change ur usernames back to avoid Confusion

 

Serafina: ugh fine

**Serafina de Merovíngia renamed Serafina de Merovíngia Floricane**

 

**Mahdi de Matali renamed Mahdi de Matali Plaxbox**

 

**Yaz renamed Yaz lancey**

 

**Neela renamed Neela alluring**

 

Matt: ok who i s n t awake

 

pidge: shay

pidge: breeana

 

Matt: whomst

 

pidge: BEEZER we literally went over this

pidge: u should know this shes been my friend since freshm

 

Matt: u rly expect me to remember this shit

 

pidge: ITS COMMON MOTHERFUCKING KNOWLEDGE

 

Keith: wait no bee is awake we texted earlier

 

pidge: douche whatre u on she hasnt moved from her sleeping spot on the couch this whole time

pidge: i should know, im in the same room as her

 

Keith: scroll up bud

 

pidge: hwhat thy fuckest

pidge: she texted two messages while pretending to sleep, her phone is on the FUCKING table across the room, and ive been watching her this whole time

 

Matt: ;)

 

Keith: ;)

 

Rover: ;)

 

pidge: bite me

 

Shay: why the fuck are yall texting this early

Shay: also pidge thats p gay

 

Beezer: interesting development

Beezer: i shall file this away for further research

 

pidge: WHAT THE FUCK BEE DID NOT FUCKING MOVE

 

Plaxbox: FOR THE LOVE OF AIR CONDITIONING DO YALL WANT TEA OR NOT

 

Rover: can i have some lemon lift please and thank

 

Plaxbox: only bc i dont hate u

 

Beezer: im good

 

pidge: ok i give up im texting nyma to see if this is normal

 

alluring: i walways forget nyma is bee's sister

 

Keith: walways

 

alluring: bite me keith, /bite me/

 

Keith: no thanks, im gay

 

Plaxbox: sorry flor and lance, keith is my favorite now

 

Keith: i already was your favorite

 

Plaxbox: shit u rite

 

lancey: Am I Missing Something

 

pidge: plax is secretly part of the Conspiracy Squad

 

Plaxbox: im actually straight for keith guys

 

Keith: um

 

Shay: everyone is straight for keith, its gucci

 

Keith: /um/

 

pidge: *raises hand*

 

Matt: sit the fuck down u dont count

 

Keith: /why is everyone straight for me/

 

Floricane: why not

 

Keith: i dont know what to feel

Keith: pidge i stg if u say anything about ttc i will drown u in plax's pool

 

pidge: neither did je- goddammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was brought to my attention that a possible ship name for Shiro x Matt x Allura could be Allshitt and I'm confused on why the fandom has never used it before.


	4. So three bisexual mermaids walk into a closet,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days after the school year ends, and the Community Service haul is already going full force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi if you couldn't tell, there's a time skip between this chapter and last, because the school year is over!

****

**Floricane - > We Be Melting™**

Floricane: help plax and allura are high on paint fumes

Floricane: and lance is v much on his way to their level

 

Plaxbox: im high on believinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’

 

lancey: no ur high on tropicana cabana

 

Shay: im

 

Hunk: /do i need to come help/

 

alluring: noooooooooo bbyboy

 

pidge: once again im so uncomfortable

 

Floricane: nah thats just high llura, she calls everyone bbyboy even if theyre a stranger or a female

Floricane: yes hunk plz save me

 

Hunk: im on my way

 

Floricane: allura just screamed and ran away to hide in the closet

 

lancey: haha

 

Hunk: lance im coming for you too

 

Floricane: he just did the same thing, except he picked up plaxum and is now giving her a piggy back ride

Floricane: so now theyre all hiding in the closet

 

pidge: please take videos, i need blackmail

 

Floricane: they locked the closet from the inside somehow

 

Keith: plax, prob, she's locked me inside my own bathroom one time

 

pidge: what r u guys even doing w paint

 

Floricane: repainting the lobby of the pool for community service

 

Matt: haha glad i yeeted out of there, hs is hell and a half

 

pidge: college is comin for ur ass tho

 

Matt: shittety shit

 

Floricane: OK WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST FUCKING HEAR LAUGHTER THAT SOUNDED A LOT LIKE C H U C K Y

 

Keith: did someone play an audio file or smth im cackling

 

Shiro: sometimes i question why the fuck i still live with u, ur laugh is so loud the hell

 

Keith: its bc u graduated and are about to be a brokeass college freshman

 

Shiro: fuck

 

lancey: haha

 

alluring: dude thats gonna be us next year

 

lancey: ah ah

lancey: as in screaming

 

alluring: u are so high omf

 

Plaxbox: ur one to talk

 

alluring: thats rich coming from u

 

Plaxbox: u are rich

 

alluring: oh shit u rite

 

Rover: this is entertaining

 

lancey: so three bisexual mermaids walk into a closet,

 

Floricane: WHICH ONE OF YOU PLAYE DTHE CHUCKY AUDIO FILE AGAIN

 

Plaxbox: thats not an audio file

Plaxbox: thats lance

 

Shiro: keith is cackling again

Shiro: I JUST HEARD A RLY BIG CRASH KEITH ARE YOU OKAY

 

Keith: i fell off my bed and knocked over my lamp, we gucci, its a plastic piece of shit anyways

 

Beezer: did keith just say we gucci

Beezer: are we sure he isnt high as well

 

pidge: we never know w him

 

Keith: i hate both of you

 

Shiro: hes wheezing rn i think hes high on lack of oxygen from laughing

Shiro: USE YOUR INHALER YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT

 

Floricane: asthma, huh?

 

Keith: let me live its just allergy induced, not that bad

 

Floricane: dude same, but like, full out

 

Keith: rip

 

Floricane: update Hunk has arrived, and got them out of the closet

 

lancey: not the first time

 

Hunk: lance rly

 

Plaxbox: hes not wrong

 

Hunk: i mean

 

Beezer: what on /earth/ is your guys’ friend group

 

Shay: /too much/

Shay: /please save me/

 

Rover: u r dating both Hunk /and/ Allura, u signed up for this shit

 

Shay: sigh

 

_ Ten Minutes Later _

 

Floricane: nother update Hunk is now a bit loopy

 

Shiro: /how strong is that paint smell/

 

Floricane: the paint coach Luxia got is literally the strongest shit ive ever smelled

 

Matt: how are /u/ not high then

 

Floricane: hoe i live w asthma i was smart enough to bring a cheap plastic breathing mask, and none of them complied when coach suggested bringing them

Floricane: Lux and i are tryna get them to go out to the parking lot to breathe but they refuse

 

Keith: sigh

Keith: Shiro do we still have those breathing masks from when we repainted the bathroom

 

Shiro: yeah theyre in the closet, why

 

Keith: *inhale* im going in

 

pidge: ur such a fucking drama queen

 

Keith: dont u laugh yet ur coming w

 

pidge: and why would i do that, Mr. Kogane?

 

Keith: bc, Miss Holt, u know exactly why

 

pidge: ill get my shoes on

 

lancey: whatever just happened, i wanna know

 

Plaxbox: does she move your body, like i moved your body

 

Shay: was that

 

Plaxbox: yes

 

Shay: valid

 

pidge: ive known keith since literal birth, i tell him everything

pidge: which is a horrible idea

pidge: guys never tell keith anything ull regret it

 

Keith: (:

 

Matt: that is so unbelievably offputting

 

Keith: pidge ill be there in like 42 seconds

 

alluring: that was so specific

 

Shiro: my brother terrifies me

 

Keith: bitch me too, the fuck

Keith: ok bye im taking the car

Keith: o ye btw shiro i took your keys bye

 

Shiro: restating my previous statement, keith is terrifying

Shiro: ive seen whats underneath his bed

Shiro: while Plax is occasionally under there sleeping bc this crew has a lot of sleepovers

Shiro: theres so much conspiracy stuff its terrifying

 

Plaxbox: hoe u know it

 

Shay: plax y do u sleep under keiths bed

 

Beezer: ive just learned to not ask questions

 

Keith: get in loser we're going high-friend-saving

 

Floricane: i hope u know they all cackled at that

 

Keith: good

 

pidge: never fear, we’re fuckin here

**pidge renamed pidge hacker voice**

hacker voice: im in

 

Keith: and u call me the drama queen

Keith: update we got them outside

 

pidge: i lured lance out with a promise of mom’s garlic bread

 

Shay: Ok Thats Fair

Shay: Mother Holt’s garlic bread is a legend

 

Matt: stop that makes my mom sound like a nun

 

Floricane: Keith fuckin threw plax over his shoulder and hauled her out like a fireman

 

Rover: to be fair shes a mf stick

 

Floricane: that is true

 

pidge: keith got hunk to come out by offering him a hug bc Keith Hugs are elusive and legendary

 

Shiro: as his brother i can confirm

 

Keith: i will personally stab all of yall in the ear

 

Matt: yall

 

Keith: matt

 

Matt: keith

 

Keith: come here for a sec (:

 

Matt: nah

Matt: anyways how did yall get llura out

 

Keith: fucking hypocrite

Keith: u trick me

Keith: deceive me

Keith: so fuck u

 

pidge: calm urself gjan

pidge: i just threatened to get Shay

 

Shay: hwhat

 

alluring: b a b e have u seen urself angree

alluring: simply terrifying

 

Keith: angree

 

Matt: angree

 

Shay: angree

 

lancey: angree

 

Plaxbox: angree

 

Floricane: angree

 

Hunk: angree

 

pidge: angree

 

Rover: angree

 

Shiro: angree

 

Beezer: angree

 

alluring: I Have One (1) Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, join my new Discord server separate from the other one I've mentioned!
> 
> https://discord.gg/zCeyRW4


	5. Wanna Pour Some La Croix All Over Your Computer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rover's sleepovers are wild, Keith stole random stuff, Keith and Pidge threaten each other, Lactose Intolerance vs Keith, Shiro vs Africa by Toto, the Holts are sick and all that good stuff.
> 
> Trigger warning for mention of marijuana use, throwing up, and "feeling like death".

**{4:03 AM}lancey - > We Be Melting™**

lancey: does someone wanna explain to me why keith just crawled through my window at 4 am, threw a ball of twine at me, went into my kitchen, stole my jug of strawberry milk and my shaved cheese, stole my left sneaker, and proceeded to crawl back out of my window?

 

Keith: just let it happen lance

 

lancey: no? i want my sb milk?

 

Shiro: KEITH AKIRA MOTHERFUCKING KOGANE

 

Keith: no, my name is inigo montoya, u killed my father, prepare to die  


Shiro: u lactose intolerant fuck dont you dare eat or drink that stuff

Shiro: are u high again  
Shiro: i need to stop letting u have sleepovers at Rover's

 

Rover: *dabs*

 

Shiro: u, [insert gender neutral term for sir/ma'am here] are the bane of my existence  


Rover: im fine w either

 

Shiro: nice

 

Shay: it is FOUR IN THE MORNING WHY ARE YOU GUYS TEXTING

Shay: oh  
Shay: WHY IS THERE ALWAYS SOMEONE HIGH

 

Keith: ITS HARD TO GET HIGH WHEN YOURE LIVING ON THE BOTTOM

 

lancey: did keith just quote kelly clarkson  
lancey: speaking of quoting goddesses, /all im thinking about/ is that Lauren Aquilina is making a comeback

 

Keith: I'm gonna be a comeback kid and I want to find the words i need to say

 

lancey: shut it against the current

 

hacker voice: i heard someone disrespecting atc im here

 

lancey: dios mío calm urselves i didnt say they were bad or anything  


Keith: u say u rly wanna change  


hacker voice: but all u do is talk talk talk  


Beezer: AND WALK THE SAME WAY

 

lancey: keith gimme back my milk, cheese, and shoe, take your twine back, i want to sleep

 

Keith: f i g h t t h e p o w e r  


Rover: besides, bee, him, and I have already eaten half the bag of cheese

 

Shiro: HOW DID HE GET TO UR HOUSE THAT FAST

 

Keith: motorcycles bitch  


Shiro: keith i stg stop eating the cheese, go back to lances house give him back his stuff INCLUDING THE MILK, pay for the cheese, apologise, and then go back to rowans house drink a ton of water and lactaid if u have any and hope you dont throw up the rest of the night(morning?) or i will tell mom u three are currently higher than everest

Shiro: why isnt pidge there anyways

 

hacker voice: matts germy ass got me sick

 

Shiro: go back to bed

 

hacker voice: she legit just faceplanted the second u sent that -m

 

Shiro: u go to bed too

 

hacker voice: And now he fell asleep. I apologise for them. Why are you all up anyways? -Colleen

 

Shiro: Keith.

 

hacker voice: Sounds about right, Shiro. Do yourselves a favor and go to sleep, though?

 

Shiro: I will try. Have a good night (morning?), Colleen.

 

hacker voice: You too, Shiro.

 

Beezer: that was so weird to read

 

_Lance was just about to drift off to sleep once again when he heard small tapping against his window. He got up and opened it, calling out, "Has my Romeo finally come for me?” As an answer, he was met with half a bag of shaved Mexican cheese hitting his face, causing him to stumble backwards. A ripped up galaxy Van and a half gallon jug of strawberry milk followed it. "Why thank you, my sweet, sweet Romeo.” He laughed out sarcastically and threw the ball of twine at Keith's head. All he received was the middle finger before the other boy was gone. The ball of twine was left in his yard._

 

**{4:23 AM}lancey - > We Be Melting™**

 

lancey: can confirm he gave me my shit back  


Shiro: did he pay u  


lancey: no  
lancey: wait he shoved three bucks in my shoe

 

Shiro: good now go back to bed  


lancey: yes sir

 

Shiro: the three delinquents at the olkariona residence house better go to bed too

 

Keith: or how about

 

Shiro: Keith Akira Kogane

 

Keith: finnnnnneneeeeee

 

**{4:31 AM}lancey - > Hunk**

lancey: i know ur not awake rn but he was wearing rly short sleep shorts and a rly big tanktop AND HIS HAIR WAS UP THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL

 

~

 

**{8:37 AM}Hunk - > lancey**

Hunk: oh u chaotic, /chaotic/ bi.

 

lancey: screw u for being a functional pan

 

Hunk: just doing my job

 

**{8:40 AM}Hunk - > We Be Melting™**

**Hunk renamed chat Chaos Kids**

Hunk: seriously the one time i actually sleep

 

alluring: legit, i wish i was awake during that

 

Shiro: no u dont

 

alluring: ur right

 

Shay: why do i get the feeling that shiro is the most normal person in this chat

 

alluring: hahahahahahaha funny joke

 

Keith: i cackled at that and woke ro and bee up

 

Hunk: hey keith on a scale of one to ten how much do u feel like death rn after /last nights dairy adventures/

 

Keith: 5'6”

 

Hunk: great

 

alluring: yeah so shiro is the opposite of normal

alluring: tell em keith

 

Keith: when i was like, 10 maybe, having just been adopted i was sleeping and apparently he picked me up and took me out into the rain, raised me over his head and started singing Africa at the top of his lungs

Keith: younger shiro was wild af

 

Shiro: dude u fell asleep in the dishwasher that one easter

 

Keith: shhhhh

 

Plaxbox: i should just never sleep ever

 

Floricane: invite me next time losers smh

 

Shiro: and i thought u two were semi sane

 

Floricane: We Are Friends With Lance McClain

 

Shiro: yeah thats true

 

lancey: HEY WHAT GIVES

 

Floricane: u know i love u

 

lancey: hissssss

 

Hunk: dude stop acting like pidge after midnight

 

Keith: pffffftttt

 

lancey: hey where is that gremlin anyways

 

Beezer: probably still sleeping, the last time i saw her she seemed p sick :(

 

**{9:00 AM}Keith - > hacker voice**

Keith: i thought ud like to know that bree rly seemed to miss u last night

 

hacker voice: im awake now u fuck and i want to drown u in cherry limeade koolaid

 

Keith: jesus christ

 

hacker voice: i still regret telling u about that

 

Keith: ;)

 

hacker voice: u still realize i Also Know Things Regarding Your Love Life

 

Keith ;(

 

hacker voice: yeah bitch cry

 

Keith: [audio file]

 

hacker voice: that was a quality use of the opening of Ghost by Scott Hoying and FRANKIE

 

Keith: thank u my good dude

 

**{9:12 AM}lancey - > Chaos Kids**

lancey: in other news i got a cute constellation weekly planner

 

alluring: ooooo where from

 

lancey: b&n, someone put the fnaf books in the non fiction section and my nephew cried

 

hacker voice: i

hacker voice: now thats smth else

 

Matt: it was me

 

Plaxbox: u motherfucker

 

Rover: BUT HEY UR AWAKE NOW HOW U DOIN

 

hacker voice: i feel like shit and i cant breathe through my nose, you?

 

Rover: decent enough, feel better tho

 

Hunk: hey pidgeotto?

 

hacker voice: the answer is yes

 

Hunk: u dont know what i was gonna ask? what if it was /wanna pour some la croix all over your computer?/

 

hacker voice: i know that ur gonna say u and ur moms are making cookies and if i wanted some

 

Hunk: well damn

Hunk: i prob dont need to ask but what flavor

 

hacker voice: PEANUT BUTTER U SUNSHINE SMILE HOE

 

Keith: dude what are w these colorful insults today?

 

hacker voice: shut it u spicy pencil cap eraser

 

Shiro: matthew please make sure shes not high

 

Matt: too late, we both downed cough syrup

 

Floricane: pffffttt

 

lancey: id like a moment of silence for the sanity of Sam and Colleen Holt,

 

Matt: hoe my god u guys are the worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so i guess pidge x beezer is a thing in this now
> 
> join my discord server  
> https://discord.gg/qhpTxnP


	6. The Condom Woman Chronicles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The same day as the previous chapter, the Condom Woman arises and the group shares some words about discourse happening in the ATC fandom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS SO INAPPROPRIATE BUT THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO A GROUP OF FRIENDS IM IN AND I NEEDED TO SHARE IT

**{12:51PM} Rover - > Chaos Kids**

Rover: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Shiro: now thats never smth i wanna open the group chat to

Shiro: rowan who did u murder

 

Beezer: the funniest thing just happened that was also extremely traumatizing

 

Keith: so we're watching yt right

 

lancey: oh no

 

Rover: and an ad came on

 

Floricane: /oh no/

 

Keith: and a woman with bright ass yellow hair pops up

 

Beezer: and one of the first things she says is that shes a fckin sex expert and thats when we realize its a rly weird condom comercial

 

alluring: oh sweet jesus

 

Keith: she starts asking random people if they know what skywalker sex is; im not gonna get into that bc we have chilren here

 

hacker voice: fuck u im only two years younger than you i wanna knowwwww

 

Rover: glow in the dark condoms

 

hacker voice: never mind

 

Rover: thought so

Rover: anywho the random people have no idea what skywalker sex is, so then she explains

Rover: i think bree is traumatized

 

Keith: she's been rocking back and forth pulling her hair for the past five minutes

 

Beezer: shut up

 

Floricane: what happened next im rly intrigued

 

Beezer: she asked a true or false question

 

Shiro: sometimes i question why im alive

 

Matt: bro same

 

Keith: “The ancient Egyptians used to cover their penises in sheep stones and crocodile skin as an attempted form of contraception. Do we think this is a yay or a nay?"

 

Hunk: oh my

 

**Beezer renamed Beezer scared**

scared: im scared Forever

 

alluring: im so sorry u had to witness that you sweet sweet ace bean

 

scared: thank you mother

 

Rover: so the answer was a nay, but the truth is so much worse

 

Shay: i dont want to hear it

 

Rover: Egyptian woman used to stick croc shit up there to try and prevent pregnancies

 

Shay: i heard it

 

hacker voice: i want to dieeeeee

 

scared: same

 

hacker voice: but at the same time i wish i had been there?

 

lancey: weirdly same?

 

Shiro: /we're not having another sleepover/

 

Matt: awwwww why nottttt?

 

Shiro: Matthew Patricia Holt I Swear To God

 

alluring: im

 

Matt: that is not my middle name…

 

Shiro: HOLY SHIT

Shiro: i stg i typed Patrick and it auto corrected

 

Matt: mhmm sure

 

Rover: BACK TO THE CONDOM WOMAN

 

scared: can we talk about smth else

scared: like how Past Lives just dropped

 

Keith: while thats extremely tempting bc i have some Words about that whole discourse, we need to finish the story

Keith: so then she pulls out some scented condoms and has people to smell tests to see if they could figure out the scent

 

Plaxbox: oh boy

 

scared: there was this one gal who got the scents down to a T with stuff like mint chocolate and choc covered strawberries

 

Hunk: now thats a nose

 

Rover: one of the people guessed tutti fruity for one of them and the condom woman replied "tutti fruity up your cooty or your booty, wherever you wanna put it”

Rover: and thats when the ad ended

 

Shay: i just sneezed soda

 

Matt: now that sounds like a wild experience

 

Keith: and NOW we can get into Past Lives discussions

 

lancey: ¿Qué?

 

Keith: Against The Current's new album

 

hacker voice: ATC ATC ATC

 

Beezer: ok so yeah its more poppy than their past music but that doesnt make it bad?

 

hacker voice: HOO BOY im looking at some of the comments and i wanna throw hands

 

Rover: everyones saying that they should have stuck with their unique pop punk sound and shouldnt have given into their label and whats popular and im like? bitch? educate yourself?

 

Shay: theyve specifically said they've always wished to be more of a pop with a touch of alt band and they wished to make more music like one of my personal favorites, Wasteland. people be saying that they unstan bc it isnt the band they got into w Infinity/Gravity/In Our Bones

 

Keith: omg u listen to atc

 

Shay: yep

 

Keith: uve always been my favorite

 

Plaxbox: i was about to act offended but u have a great point, shay is perfect

 

alluring: i agree

 

Shay: aaaaaaaaaa

 

Keith: like, in a weird twisted way, i get it? yeah, nothing can beat the Gravity EP, but if this is the band atc wants to be, theres nothing wrong w that? personally, this style isnt my favorite, but there are some bops. hot DAMN Strangers Again is one of the best damn songs ive ever heard

 

Beezer: i agree wholeheartedly

Beezer: im going to bed

 

Rover: it is 1pm and ur at my house

 

Beezer: IM GOING TO BED

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to leave kudos and comments!


End file.
